I read or heard an expression once that having a child is experiencing a piece of your heart surviving outside of your body. (Or something like that)
As I drive home from dropping Hannah, my oldest daughter (and first to “move out”) off at college this weekend I feel that statement. Hard.
The difference of one person (let alone your FIRSTBORN ) leaving a home is so palpable. It’s such a weird feeling. Waves of excitement for her followed quickly by heartache followed by worry followed by confidence in her. I’m basically on an acid trip of emotions.
Such a weird concept though, isn’t it? Us parents who do NOT know WHAT we are even doing are able to just kind of create humans. Then we just fumble our way through their time with us… doing our best to teach them and prepare them for how to be people in society.
Then one day it’s just sort of like… ok well I did my best… bye now!
I panic a bit… when I hit this reality in my much quieter drive home…
Lord knows I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time in the parenting realm and like the rest of us; we ALL wing it. But when I think about it a little bit more. I realize when I moved out, I was not equipped with ALL of the knowledge and ALL of the things I would need forever and ever more!
I had questions! I tried some things on my own. I succeeded. I failed. I was clueless. I called home. I had more questions… I missed home but loved finding me.
Figuring out who I was.
**Special note this took a long ass time**
My children have seen me fail and see me succeed and seen me know when it’s time to ask for and accept help. And that’s really all life is. There are bumps in the road and when we hit em… we can choose to break or bounce. Period.
In my life, I grew up surrounded by amazing people who make up my village. We have navigated through life together one day at a time. Clumsy at some times, strong at others… but I’ve never felt alone. Even if I physically was. And there’s something really special and profound about that.
Knowing you have a sometimes silent village behind you to catch you if you stumble, be truthful when honesty is what you need and lend an ear when listening is just what the doctor ordered. People you can depend on whether it’s been two minutes or two months since you’ve spoken.
So if there was something in the momma world I fucked up… or something I forgot to mention or teach.. it’s OK! I feel I have instilled what was put into place for me long ago: “if you need me, call me, I’ll be right there..”
Then I exhale because this human I created…
…was just dropped off at college. And killing it! We all need our villages and I’m blessed and proud to be a member of hers! 💗