Middle Aged new kinds of Dr. Appointments and wtf just happened?!

You guys, real talk here. 

 

So all of us ladies do the boob smoosh. Tons of fun and whatever, it is what it is.

 

We go. We get the boob vice. We leave and carry on with our day.

 

Well apparently if they think they see “dense breast tissue” they recommend an ultrasound.

 

Have you done this? 

 

I’ve had various ultrasounds before. So I’m picturing the gel and the doohickey that transmits the waves. Easy peasy.

 

Ok but wait.

 

So here’s what happens: because anyone who I’ve told about this has looked at me eyes wide like I had two heads. I felt like Joey on Friends with the “THAT’S HOW THEY DO PANTS!!”

 

So you go in, and there is all the usual instructions: gown on, opening in the front blah blah and I’ll give you a moment and will be back and we will get started. So I can’t help notice the table. It’s not like a normal table. One that has a built in cut out bowl/dish looking thing of sorts. Anyhoo, the nice technician sonographer lady comes back in and acts like we all know what is next and as she is squirting about a gallon of lotion into the bowl/dish. Then tells me to just get up on the table and place my nip into the center of it.

 

As an aside.. I’d like to encourage each one of you to go home (and please be alone when you do this) and place anything that can be used as a target onto the floor and try and guide your nip directly onto it.

 

#1 In my mid-forties things sag. They just do. They aren’t where they should be anymore and lord knows when I bend forward where they end up.

 

#2 Trying to do this in front of someone was tremendously awkward, if not hilarious.

 

#3 This is not an easy thing to do!

 

So she’s just over typing away while I repeatedly try and get things where they are supposed to go. I’m SO glad there is no video footage of this! So once I’m victorious the dish thing rotates both directions to do the scan. Then she hands me a cloth to clean up. Adds more (so so so much) lotion and I have to repeat on the other side.

 

I’m bestowing this information onto you so that you know. And can practice. Or not.

 

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